As parents, there are days when it feels like our sole jobs are to tell our kids “no” and be the resident short order cook, responding to constant cries of, “I’m hungry.”
If you haven’t noticed how often you say no to your child, make a project out of it some day.
Just carry around a pad and a pencil and make a hash mark each time you hear the word no come out of your mouth.
Certainly there are good reasons to say no, tons of them.
No, you can’t stick a fork in the wall outlet, or put your hand on top of the stove burner right after I remove the hot pan.
The natural inquisitiveness of a toddler makes at least half of what they do a “no” all day long.
As our kids get older, “no” remains a necessary response when they want to do bodily harm to a sibling, eat ice cream for dinner every night, and stay up until 2:00 a.m.
For most parents then, it feels like “no” is just a necessary part of parenting, like we’d be doing our kids a disservice if we weren’t telling them no all day long.
And while of course they’re going to have to hear it way more than they want to, it’s time to stop and think about the effect it’s having on our kids to be shot down repeatedly day after day.
This is something we can relate to as adults.
How would you feel if your boss constantly shot down every idea you had and every project you completed?
Or if your spouse said, “no, I don’t believe you can do that,” when you tried to lose weight, take up a new hobby, or start your own business.
Being told “no” over and again can be seriously deflating.
And like it or not, as parents we play the number one influencer in the self-esteem and self-identity our children develop.
So when your child is constantly hearing “no,” he starts feeling like everything he does or wants to do is wrong or bad in some way.
This can lead to a lifetime of limiting beliefs about himself that just aren’t true, as well as a reluctance to try new things, dream big, and be confident.
What’s Better Than No?
How do we keep our kids from hurting themselves or making unacceptably bad choices while at the same time instilling in them that they are great human beings capable of being anything they want to be in life?
It basically just requires that we choose different words, and take a little more time with our children.
Here are some alternatives that will drastically reduce the number of times you hear yourself saying no to your child.
Set Your Home Up for Fewer Nos
This one will cover the younger, inherently curious and busy kids.
Do some rearranging so the areas your little ones frequent are safe zones.
Have one kitchen cabinet that has all non-breakables in it, so you can direct your child to that cabinet when she feels like dismantling the kitchen.
Cover your wall sockets, keep breakable and dangerous items out of reach, pad the sharp corners.
Basically just do a little childproofing and creative arranging so there aren’t so many “nos” staring your toddler right in the face.
Reframe Your Words
This really just involves saying no in more positive words.
Instead of saying, “don’t run in the store,” try “please walk."
“Don’t go in the street” becomes “please stay on the sidewalk.”
“Stop throwing your food” can be “please help mommy by throwing that in the sink.”
Just stop for a minute and think, can I guide my child by telling her the right way to do this, rather than telling her she’s wrong?
Before long, it will become habit and you won’t have to think before framing things positively.
Another big advantage to using “no” and other negative language sparingly is that when you do have to yell, “don’t run across the street!” because a car is coming, your child is more likely to actually listen to you rather than thinking, “oh that’s just mom, she’s always telling me no.”
Offer Alternatives
Clearly, there are going to be things your child does or wants to do every day that are just not okay.
Before just giving her a flat out “no,” consider whether you can offer an acceptable alternative.
It’s not okay to pour water on your plate at the restaurant, but you can play in the bath or sink when we get home.
No, you can’t stay up until midnight because you have school tomorrow, but let’s watch a show together or play a game together before you go to bed.
The alternative may not be your child’s first choice, but try to make it something she’ll enjoy and that will soften the pain of the no.
Give Explanations
Giving explanations for the no can help your child understand that it isn’t a reflection of him being bad or wrong in any way.
When you say, “No, you can’t come in the kitchen, I’m making dinner,” it may leave your child feeling like you don’t want to be with him.
Explaining, “Mommy would love to spend time with you right now, but I’m making you dinner and the oven is very hot so I’d like you to stay out so you don’t get burned,” sends an entirely different message.
You can even slide an alternative in here too, and say, “I’ll read a book to you as soon as I’m finished.”
Simply Opt for More Yeses
Sometimes what’s best is just to turn a few of those automatic nos into a yes.
Maybe gathering a bunch of random ingredients from the pantry and mixing them all together then stirring in some blue food coloring creates a little bit of a mess and is a complete waste of time in your eyes, but so what?
If it makes your child happy and it doesn’t hurt anyone else, why not just say yes sometimes?
No one ever died from eating ice cream for dinner, why not say yes to that request once in awhile?
You’ll have to make it clear in this yes that they can’t get away with this one very often. But that’s okay, you can give explanations and offer alternatives rather than just a hard no!
One mom decided to experiment with this concept by saying yes to everything her kids wanted for a week, (with some clearly defined exceptions of course).
The result? She discovered that for the most part, the things her kids asked for “revealed a desire to help, play, be seen, be independent, and responsible.”
She concluded that “saying yes allowed them to grow into themselves, helped me to lighten up and relax as a parent, and also offered up new opportunities for us to connect, play, and bond.”
Her article on the experiment is called I Worried I Was Saying No to My Kids Too Much. So I Did a Secret Experiment. It’s worthy reading for all parents.
One automatic “yes” that will bring a smile to your child’s face and joy in her heart is her request to book KidsPartyCharacters.com for her next party.
With over 200 characters to choose from, it’s almost a guarantee that we’ll have your child’s favorite.
We’ll also bring along face painting, balloon twisting, and cotton candy if she’d like.
Next time your only option is “no,” try finishing that sentence with “but yes, you can invite Kids Party Characters to your next birthday party,” and chances are she’ll forget all about that “no” in an instant.
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