One of the hardest parts of parenting can be motivating your child to do just about anything other than play with friends, hang out on a screen, or raid the pantry for his favorite snacks.
If you’re tired of feeling like you constantly have to nag at your child to get him to be productive with helping around the house, doing school work, or really mastering anything he finds challenging, with a little change in perspective and following a three step formula, you can start to change this.
There’s no magic button here, it won’t happen overnight. But, once your child’s thinking begins to shift, you’ll see him starting to motivate himself without all the prompting and drama you used to have to go through.
The key is rather simple. You need to show your child that he’s in control. That he can do things he feels are a struggle or just undesirable, and that the outcome actually makes him feel good.
So, rather than always providing easy answers for your child, or doing things yourself because it’s just easier than the struggle to get your child to do it, get in the habit of working with him to find answers and accomplish tasks so that he’ll get used to the feeling of being able to do things for himself.
All you’re really doing here is establishing a new habit in your child. A habit of knowing that he can problem solve on his own, and that doing so feels pretty good.
Whatever it is that your child needs motivation on can be accomplished by this three step process.
1. Set a Goal
The next time you come up against a task your child is struggling to complete, turn it into a goal. As you may already be thinking, your child is likely to resist this very process at first, but if you can go through it a few times successfully, she’ll start to fully embrace it.
Let’s just go with the common problem of a child who doesn’t like to keep her room clean.
Resist the urge to do it yourself, yes it’s often easier, and yes, that way it’s done and you can move on, but you resent it and it reinforces the lack of motivation you’re looking to instill.
Also resist the urge to give up and just shut the door, hoping that she’ll get better at it as she gets older. Again, you don’t feel good about that and she stays unmotivated.
Let go of the nagging and yelling and calmly declare the two of you are going to set a goal for her to maintain a clean room.
Maybe she’ll acknowledge that it feels better to have a clean room, but even if she claims not to care, get her to buy into the goal by focusing on something she does care about.
For example, if you don’t keep a clean room we aren’t going shopping to accumulate move stuff that will make your room even messier.
Or, if you don’t keep a clean room we won’t have time to go to the park, or you won’t be able to go out with friends this weekend. Obviously, pick whatever consequence is age appropriate.
2. Give Encouragement and Guidance
The control you’re trying to instill in your child won’t come from you simply pushing her out of the nest and promising her she can fly.
You want this to be a positive experience, not one full of failure, frustration, and tears.
The best way to do this is to let your child know that you’re in it with her. It’s a goal you and she have, not simply hers alone.
Encourage her, guide her, even help her so that you can ensure a positive outcome that will bring with it confidence.
When it comes to keeping a clean room, you can help problem-solve the trouble areas for her. Suggest different ways to organize things, take her shopping to purchase bins, baskets, or drawers that will help make clean up easier.
3. Reinforce Positive Outcomes
Celebrate even the small victories. You’ll be able to see progress where your child won’t. It’s important to point it out even if your child seems not to care.
And whatever her outward attitude towards you is, your child seeks and benefits from your approval. And, pointing out her “wins” will motivate her to continue on towards the goal.
So, when the only difference in the room is that you can now see the closet floor that used to be constantly covered in clothes, make a big deal about it. Point out how she’s responsible for making it happen, how you’ve noticed it and it makes a difference, and highlight any benefit it brings to her that would make her smile.
Why This Works
This approach may seem a little simplistic, and that’s exactly why it works. Because what you’re doing it making a small but crucial adjustment in your child’s attitude.
Once he sees that he is in control, he can do things on his own, and everyone likes the results when he does, then he’ll be automatically motivated in situations where he would have previously struggled.
Does this mean you’ll be able to create the “perfect” child who wants to get up on Saturday morning and clean the toilet? Of course not. There would be something wrong with any of us who had that sort of drive!
But, you will find that if you approach the things your child struggles with in this way, he can conquer most all of them with much less prodding from you and without all the stress that comes around things he doesn’t want to do.
And once he starts to feel the sense of control he has when he takes care of business, his internal motivation just might start to amaze both of you.
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