The idea that “boys will be boys” is firmly ingrained in American culture.
There was a time when the sentiment was used to excuse the boy who’d ruined a new pair of shoes stomping through the mud, or broken a toy while playing a little too roughly with friends.
And while even these rather innocent characterizations created some less than desirable stereotypes, they’re nothing compared to the misogynistic, criminal, and scary behavior that is now commonly normalized and dismissed because “boys will be boys.”
And unfortunately, this isn’t a new trend. The 1996 court case of Nabozny v. Podiesny, brought to light the sad story of Jamie Nabozny, a young middle school boy who suffered years of bullying because he was gay.
Following verbal abuse, inappropriate touching, and enacting a mock rape while the rest of his class watched, Jamie went to the female principal of the school and was told “boys will be boys,” then scolded for entering her office without an appointment.
The bullying continued through middle school and high school, and resulted in two suicide attempts by Jamie, whose high school principal similarly did nothing to stop the verbal and physical attacks,
The assistant principal told Jamie that he was provoking the bullies and deserved the treatment because of his sexuality.
Another well-known example of the “boys will be boys” mentality was seen in 2015 when Brock Turner, a 20-year-old Stanford swimming star, sexually assaulted an intoxicated and unconscious female student.
Despite the prosecutor’s recommendation of a six year sentence, the judge sentenced Turner to six months, concluding that a prison sentence would have “a severe impact on him.”
Similarly dismissive of the impact Turner’s actions had on his victim, Turner’s father asked for leniency claiming that a long sentence would be “a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 years of life.”
And finally, it’s been impossible to turn a blind eye to how strong the “boys will be boys” culture remains, as evidenced by the confirmation process of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
Amazingly, too much of the reaction has been that even if accusations of sexual assault against Kavanaugh are true, who cares?
Fox News columnist Stephen Miller defended the incident as being “drunk teenagers playing seven minutes of heaven,” despite the victim’s clear allegations to the contrary.
Several other commentators have voiced the opinion that even if Kavanaugh attempted to rape a woman when he was 17, this should not disqualify him from being a Justice on the highest court in our country.
Minnesota Senator Scott Newman tweeted about the allegations, “Even if true, teenagers!” And then went on to state he personally didn’t believe Kavanaugh’s accuser.
Perhaps most disturbing, Carrie Severino, policy director for the Judicial Crisis Network, stated the allegations that Kavanaugh attempted to take his victim’s clothes off and muffled her screams could be described as “boorishness” or “rough horseplay.”
Clearly, the “boys will be boys” mentality has gone way too far, and there are too many public examples evidencing society’s acceptance of patently unacceptable behavior.
But if our judges, lawmakers, the media, and even school officials are going to excuse violent and illegal behavior as “boys will be boys,” what can we as parents do to protect our children — girls and boys — from this dangerous and demoralizing attitude?
Quite simply, we can work to make sure we’re creating a generation that rejects the normalization of violence against women and any other marginalized group.
Here are three ways to do that with your children.
Parent Against Stereotypes
The “boys will be boys” mentality is instilled basically from birth.
We expect “rough and tumble” boys, and girls in frilly dresses with cute little dolls.
A boy who wrecks havoc on his sister’s tea party with her dolls is just being a boy.
Consciously work against these stereotypes starting with the first toy you purchase, the first activity you enroll your child in, the first game you play with him.
And since those milestones have likely passed, start today.
Girls love to play in the mud too.
Boys love to prepare wooden food in the play kitchen and serve it to you.
As we’ve talked about before, ignore the gender expectation when purchasing toys. Let your child lead you as to what interests she has in toys, games, and activities.
Don’t divide tasks according to traditional gender roles. Girls can take out the trash, boys can chop an onion for dinner.
Never Excuse Bad Behavior
Whatever activity your child is engaged in, set an expectation that it will be done with kindness and respect.
Don’t laugh and say, “he’s such a boy” when he wrecks the tea party.
Make him clean it up and try to instill in your child that the behavior is inappropriate so he’ll be sorry when he does act out.
Treat your boy the same way you would (or do) your girl. If it’s not okay for her to do, it’s not okay for him to do.
Maybe your boys are prone to rougher behavior, that’s not a problem as long as they respect boundaries.
If the other person says “stop,” whether it’s a boy or girl, you stop.
Core values like kindness, empathy, respect for feelings and personal space, are taught from a very young age.
Instill them in your kids as they are playful toddlers, continue to enforce them as they begin to go out without your supervision, and begin to have intimate relationships, and they will carry these values for life.
Empower Your Children Through Role Modeling
When we make the commitment to raising children who reject the “boys will be boys” culture, we’re raising a generation that will have to change the status quo.
This means we not only need to teach them proper values and behavior, we also need to teach them to stick up for what’s right.
And we do this as parents by being good role models.
When we see or hear something that perpetuates “boys will be boys,” speak out against it or explain to your child what’s wrong with the situation and how it’s being handled.
Be cautious of how you are perpetuating stereotypes that place men in a more preferred status than women.
Something as simple as a family gathering where the women stay behind and clean up for an hour while the men sit in front of the TV watching a game and drinking beer can send the wrong message.
Maybe your boys will love trucks and climbing trees, and your girls will love dolls and their play kitchens. That’s totally fine.
Your only obligation as a parent is to have the same expectations of your child’s behavior whether they’re boys or girls.
Because how your child treats another person who says “no” or can’t speak up for themselves when they become a teenager, and how your child reacts to unacceptable peer behavior, depends on the values and norms you’re instilling in your child today.
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