How to Answer Your Child’s “Adult” Questions

Because kids hear, see, and process way more than we think they do, they tend to develop questions about the world that come long before they have the ability to understand the answers.

For some reason that only their miniature brains understand, the timing of these questions leaves something to be desired.

It’s either at bedtime when you don’t really have time, when you’re trapped in the car with them and can’t give them just a bit of information and send them off to play, or in public when the most embarrassing questions seem to demand immediate answers.

As parents, when we’re caught off guard we don’t usually do our best job of answering these questions. 

Our gut reaction is to say something that will satisfy their curiosity and make them go away.

Or sometimes it’s to simply say, “We’ll talk about that when you’re older,” which just makes them want the information that much more.

You know these questions are coming, so the best thing to do is be prepared to answer them.

And that doesn’t mean you’ll have the answers you’re going to give to all their potential “adult” questions, but just that you’ve thought through how to handle the questions.

Don’t Put Them Off for Later

Even if it’s not the time or place to answer the question, don’t summarily dismiss it.

And don’t say things like, “You’re not old enough to know that, I’ll tell you when you need that information.”

Dismissing the question with “not right now” or “wait until you’re older” will only fuel their curiosity, raise more questions, and  cause them to seek likely incorrect answers from friends.

So at least be prepared to give them a surface answer if you don’t have time right now, and tell them when you’ll have more time to talk through it in the near future.

Give an Age-Appropriate Answer

Instead of completely refusing to answer, tailor your answer to what you think they’re able to understand at their age.

If you’re a parent who is committed to honesty with your kids and just likes to tell it like it is, you especially need to use caution to give an age-appropriate honest answer, which may mean not telling the whole story.

Remember that although our kids can technically understand the words we’re saying, that doesn’t mean they can always logically process things.

Giving a young child too much information when he asks about death or killings may instill in him a feat that you’re going to die, or that he’s going to be killed.

Use Books and Stories to Explain Tough Issues

All kids, and especially the younger ones, benefit from learning through stories.

Get on Google and search for stories that help explain life through fables, fairy tales, and mythical creations for younger children, because this is where their head is at.

As your kids get a little older, books can become really helpful. 

There’s a book, and usually several, published on just about every sensitive issue your child could bring up. She can read it, you can read it to her, and you can read it together.

Books and stories help because they give your child some context around the answer, which can keep her from internalizing things and having her conclude that she suffers from some limitation, or something bad is going to happen to her or her friends and family.

Find Out Why

Kids don’t just think up all this grownup stuff, it’s over their heads.

Something happens that makes them ask.

It could be as innocent as the birth of a close friend’s new baby sister, or as tragic as him hearing about a man who killed 6 people on the TV that was playing in a department store.

Whatever it is, there’s a reason for your child’s question, and finding out what it is helps to inform your answer.

So when your child asks out of the blue, “Mommy, what will I do if you die and can’t take care of me anymore?” a good initial response is a quick reassurance and then “Why do you ask that?”

Their answer will help you see the issue from their perspective and help you provide an answer that doesn’t give them too much information in light of what they were really looking for.

Is it Okay to Lie?

Yes, it is okay to lie if you think telling the truth would cause your child undue stress or confusion.

Try to include as much truth as you can in your answer, try to defer some things to when they’re older by just saying you’ll continue to talk with them about it as they get older.

But a younger child needs to hear, for example, “mommy isn’t going to die until I’m very old and you’re all grown up,” (assuming you aren’t currently suffering a fatal condition).

“Well, any of us could die any day, although the chances are slim that I’ll die any time soon,” is truthful, but not something a young child can process or understand.

Questions to Prepare For

Here are the most likely question areas you’ll want to be thinking about and searching for age-appropriate answers to so you won’t be caught off guard and regret your response:

1. Death, Especially Yours and Your Child’s

As we just talked about, this is one where you can tell reasonable lies to younger kids.

It’s also a good one to focus on your religious or spiritual beliefs when framing your answers.

This is also a subject that has a lot of well-written kids books that can help the discussion.

You can pick the most appropriate book for your child’s age and temperament from Amazon’s best sellers list in this category. 

2. Murder and Other Killings

Try as you may, it’s going to be hard to keep all but the youngest of children from learning about at least the big events like the Twin Towers explosions, and the Michael Brown killing that touched off the Ferguson riots.

Address their fears and concerns because if you don’t, they’ll seek out more information from TV and newspaper reports that will subject them to things they certainly don’t need to hear, and allow them to draw conclusions that are false media hype.

This is an area where it’s especially important to give age-appropriate responses, and give the least amount of detail you can while still answering your child’s questions.

3. Where Do Babies Come From

This is the one that makes adults laugh the most, from embarrassment and from the funny notions our kids get about reproduction.

You can still use the birds and the bees for starters like our parents did, but it’s really best to be as open and honest with your child as her age allows.

Reproduction isn’t wrong or shameful in any way, and we don’t want to give our children the impression that it is.

Answer her questions in a straightforward way, using the correct names for our body parts.

Let her know that while it’s not “bad” in any way, it is a private thing and she should bring her questions to you and other trusted adults.

4. Race, Disability, and Other Differences

Kids have no filter, and are quick to point out any physical differences they see that make other  people appear unique to them.

Use these moments to teach your kids to embrace differences and to engrain in them that no physical difference makes someone better or worse than another person.

Look for opportunities to expose your child to people of different races, religions, countries, and abilities so that he can see that a person’s outside doesn’t determine the part that counts on the inside.

Don’t shush your children when you feel like they’re being rude at pointing out a difference. Acknowledge and celebrate the difference, and then have a more detailed discussion about it in private.

For more good strategies on dealing with these issues, as well as some book recommendations, check out our previous post, How and Why to Teach Your Child About Diversity.

5. Am I Pretty? Am I Fat?

As kids get older, they may want assurances from you that they’re good enough.

Of course you’ll always give that confidence to them, but don’t instill in them that they’re prettier than anyone else or that others may be inferior because they’re overweight or have acne or whatever.

This is a good place to again celebrate differences and steer your child to focus on what’s on the inside when deciding whether someone is “good” or “bad.”

Steer Your Child in a Positive Direction

If you’re discussing a heavy topic with your child, try to end the discussion on a positive, upbeat note. 

Remind him of a time he felt good about himself, a time that he had fun, a time when the world was right.

You want your child to walk away from his early ventures into the adult world thinking that life is good and for the most part, everything is going to be all right.

Always let your child know that you’re open for more discussion and questions.

Thank him for trusting you with his questions on these important issues.

And of course if you want to end on a really happy note, start planning his next birthday celebration with KidsPartyCharacters.com.

With over 200 of his favorite characters to choose from, as well as packages that include balloon twisting, cotton candy, and face painting, your child can plan the party of his dreams at KidsPartyCharacters.com.

Keep up with us on Facebook too, where you’ll find daily updates on the magic we bring to kids’ parties, as well as lots of strategies for raising happy and healthy kids.